


Wild Things

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-08-14
Updated: 2007-10-09
Packaged: 2019-01-19 22:40:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12419772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Lily encounters Padfoot, Wormtail, Moony, and Prongs in their animal forms. Hilarity, romance, and possibly some illicit groping ensue. COMPLETE.





	1. Padfoot

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

_Definitely not mine. At all._

\-----------------------------------------------------

"Potter! What are you ... is that a dog?!" Lily asked in shock, rounding the corner of the castle.

James, for once, actually looked embarrassed at having been caught. Though what Lily had caught him at, she wasn't quite sure. Beyond him being out after curfew that is, but really that was such a common occurrence that it barely merited notice.

"Er ... hi, Lily," James said. He was trying to stand in front of the black mongrel, but it was rather a futile effort given the size of the beast.

Lily looked bemusedly at James. To be honest, his reaction had quite thrown her off; she wasn't used to him not having something outrageous to say. The dog, for its part, had padded out from behind James and was now staring at Lily with its tongue lolling out. To cover her confusion, Lily knelt down and held out her hand for the dog to sniff, which it obligingly did so.

"It's sort of cute," Lily remarked to James, who was running his hand through his hair distractedly. "But students aren't allowed to have pets this big at school. Where did it come from?"

"Sirius," James replied hurriedly. "It's his dog. We just snuck him in for a lark; I was going to return him tonight."

"Where is your partner in crime, anyway?" Lily was now scratching the dog's head. He seemed to be enjoying the attention.

James rolled his eyes heavenward as the dog flopped on his back and rolled around ecstatically as Lily rubbed his belly. "Busy," he said pointedly. "Probably out getting pawed by some girl."

"Very likely," Lily agreed distractedly. The dog suddenly flipped onto his haunches. After glancing back at James, the beast proceeded to lick Lily's face from chin to hairline with a very long, very wet tongue.

"Urrrgh," Lily shuddered as she stood up. James grabbed the dog by his ruff and dragged it backwards.

"Bad dog," James admonished, staring directly into the dog's eyes. The dog stared back, unperturbed. 

James produced a handkerchief from within his robes and offered it to Lily. She took it begrudgingly. "The dog needs better manners," she informed James as she mopped the doggy slobber off her face.

"I tell him that all the time," James agreed. "Look, are you going to turn me in or not?"

Lily glanced down at the dog, which was dividing its stare equally between the both of them. She sighed. "I guess not this time. Just don't let me catch you sneaking back in. I ... hey!"

Lily was suddenly propelled forward by a sharp nudge in the small of her back. She stumbled, only to be caught by James. He grasped her waist and pulled her upright again. She, for her part, had instinctively grabbed his biceps, which, she was ashamed to have noticed, were nicely muscled.

"All right then?" James asked as he gazed into her eyes. Lily realized that he was close, much too close. She flexed her fingers into his arms and forgot to breathe for a moment as his hands encircled her waist.

"Fine," Lily said shortly. She pushed away from him. "Just stay away from me! And your little dog too!" she half-shouted as she stalked off down the corridor. 

"It's Sirius's dog," James said weakly, but she was already gone. "Oh, what are you laughing about?" He redirected his attention to Sirius who had transformed back and was now rocking in the corner with tears of laughter streaming down his face.

"If you could have seen your face ..." Sirius gasped. He grabbed his stomach and was set off again.

James stalked over and smacked his head. "You ..." he waved his finger threateningly.

"Roses," Sirius gasped again. "Roses and chamomile is what she smells like. And then when you caught her ... and were gazing _dramatically into her eyes_ ..." Sirius clutched James' hand pseudo-romatically. "Oh shut up." James shook his hand free irritably and rested his burning forehead against the cool stone of the wall. Frogs, he thought determinedly. Sirius was definitely going to be finding frogs in his bed for the next month. Looking over, he found that his "friend" had collapsed in helpless laughter again. And snakes, James amended. 


	2. Wormtail

_Disclaimer: Still not mine._

\------------------------------------------------------- 

“Whose rat is this?”� Lily demanded of the common room at large. She held up the rat in question. Her fellow students collectively shrugged with the exception of James Potter, she was displeased to note. He actually blanched.

Sighing, Lily made her way over to him. “I thought you had an owl,”� she informed him.

“I do,”� James replied. “The rat is Peter’s. May I have him, please?”� He held out his hand.

Lily frowned. “I think that’s the first time you’ve ever said ‘please’ to me.”� She plopped down on the couch next to him and put the rat down between them.

“It is not,”� James replied indignantly.

“It is,”� Lily said evenly. She idly petted the rat. “Would you tell Peter to keep his rat in his own dorm room? I found this little guy wandering around mine.”�

For some reason, this information made James blush.

“He’s rather cute, really,”� Lily continued. She picked up the rat and cuddled him to her breast. The rat immediately went limp with pleasure.

James blushed harder. “Lily …”� he said desperately. “Would you _please_ stop doing that?”�

“Doing what?”� Lily was now cradling the rat like a baby.

“Don’t you have your own pet to … molest?”� James’ voice actually squeaked.

Lily noticed James’ distress for the first time. “What on earth are you talking about, Potter? And no, I don’t have my own pet. My sister is allergic. Although I suspect that she’s just claiming that to annoy me.”�

James raked his fingers through his hair. “Lily, I will buy you a kitten. Just hand over the rat.”�

Lily raised an eyebrow at him. She didn’t release the rat, but did set it down in her lap. The rat promptly curled up and closed its eyes. Lily stared at James, who was now directing murderous glares at the rat. “You’re very weird,”� she said finally.

James twitched his fingers towards Lily’s lap. “Don’t even think about it,”� said she, holding up her arm defensively over the animal.

“Peter doesn’t like other people handling his rat,”� James pleaded. The rat opened one eye and glared at James. Well, as much as a rat could glare anyway.

“Then Peter should keep his rat in his own dorm. It likes me.”� Lily gently scratched its head.

James collapsed backwards against the couch. “What is it with you and animals? First the dog, and now the rat.”�

Lily looked sidelong at James. “You know,”� she began conversationally. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were jealous.”� To her surprise, James actually blushed again. She didn’t even think that he knew how and here it was the third time in the space of ten minutes that he’d turned red. “I was _joking_ ,”� she clarified. “Honestly, they’re animals, Potter, not your best friends.”�

James resolutely didn’t look at her, but threw his arm over his face. “So you’ve really never had a pet?”�

“I had a goldfish once, but it kept jumping out of its bowl,”� Lily replied. She suddenly realized that this was the longest civil conversation she’d ever had with James and wondered why she wasn’t more disturbed by that. Maybe it was because he hadn’t said anything rude. Yet.

James snickered.

Lily glared at him; she knew the streak had to end at some point. “It was traumatizing, okay? Skippy just flopped around on the floor and I’d have to scoop him back into his bowl. Five times this happened.”�

“Skippy the suicidal goldfish? Tell me you named him that in a post-ironic sense.”� James snickered some more.

“I was eight,”� Lily defended herself. “It’s not funny.”�

James just laughed. “Oh come on, it’s a little funny. Who ever heard of a suicidal goldfish?”�

Lily smiled reluctantly. “Fine, it’s a little funny.”� She looked down at the rat, which was now shivering. Belatedly, Lily looked up at the fire, which had now died down. In fact, the common room had emptied in the time that Lily had been talking with James. “I think he’s cold,”� Lily remarked and tucked the rat under her shirt.

James immediately paled and swallowed his laugh. “Uh … Lily? I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”� His voice sounded positively strangled.

“Don’t be such a prude, James,”� Lily retorted. She cradled the rat to her stomach.

James raised his eyebrows into his hair. He might have said something, but Remus and Sirius chose that exact moment to enter the common room. They flopped into chairs across from Lily and James.

“Where’s Peter?”� Sirius asked. James merely buried his face in his hands in response.

“Where is Peter?”� Lily repeated. “I’ve still got to give his rat back to him.”�

“His … rat?”� Remus asked carefully.

“Yes, his rat,”� Lily explained exasperatedly. “I found it wandering around my dorm room. The poor thing got cold waiting down here.”�

Sirius too suddenly found his hands incredibly interesting and buried his face in them. “Lily, where’s the rat now?”� Remus asked with some trepidation.

Lily gestured towards the bulge in her shirt. Sirius let out a snort of laughter while James moaned. Remus’ face merely turned interesting shades of purple.

“What is the matter with all of you?”� Lily demanded. The bulge shook suspiciously.

Sirius looked up at Lily. He grinned broadly and his eyes glittered. “Tell me, Evans, does a bloke have to have a tail and fur to get under your shirt or …”�

Lily whipped out her wand. “Finish that sentence and I’ll curse you into next week, _Black_ ,”� she hissed.

Sirius merely laughed uproariously. Remus, meanwhile, had buried his face into the crook of his armchair. Small snorts and giggles emerged while his shoulders shook uncontrollably.

“Fine.”� Lily stood up abruptly and dumped the rat onto the couch. “I’m going to bed. Honestly. _Boys_.”� Laughter followed her up the stairs.

“So, was it good for you?”� Sirius asked Peter, who had transformed back as soon as Lily was gone, with an evil grin.

“Shut up, Padfoot,”� James and Peter said in unison. Remus just chuckled.

Peter then got a small grin on his face and lay back against the couch arm. He sighed dramatically. James, his face still bright red, laid his wand against Peter’s throat. “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t hex you right now,”� James threatened.

“Now that’s just cruel,”� Sirius informed James. “The poor boy reached second base for the first time tonight and you want to punish him?”�

“Hey!”� Peter tried to sit up, but was prevented by James.

James was now glaring at Sirius, but he still pointed his wand at Peter. “I’ll hex both of you if you’re not careful.”�

Peter smiled slyly. “Hex me and I won’t tell you what kind of bra Evans was wearing.”�

James froze. Hormones waged war with desire for revenge. Predictably, hormones won out and he dropped his wand.

Peter sat up and grinned at his friends. Sirius and James leaned forward eagerly. Remus tried to pretend he wasn’t listening.

“White. Lace. Front clasp.”� Peter spoke with relish, enjoying the undivided attention of the room.

James sighed and collapsed back into the couch. He stared up at the ceiling and involuntarily smiled.

“I think you killed him,”� Sirius told Peter.

“But I’ll die a happy man,”� James said to the ceiling.

**Author’s note: I have no idea if this is funny. I tried. Please tell me if you enjoyed it all. Actually, tell me if you hated it or if there’s something I could have done better. Feedback makes me a better writer. I actually did have a suicidal goldfish named Skippy. He not only jumped out of his bowl, but made it into the garbage disposal once (which was off). I think one of the cats got him eventually. I don’t own fish any more.**


	3. Moony

Lily froze; her basket with its precious seeds tumbled from numb fingers. She had always thought of herself as a reliable person in a crisis, but now, with a massive wolf merely one hundred yards away, she found herself quite unable to move a muscle. She silently cursed her stupidity in leaving her wand in her jeans pocket beneath several layers of winter clothing. But then she hadn’t exactly expected to run into trouble between the greenhouse and the castle.

Lily barely suppressed a scream as a hand clapped over her mouth and an arm grasped her around the middle. 

“Lily, it’s me,” a voice breathed into her ear. Lily relaxed slightly as she recognized James. She wasn’t entirely certain that he was preferable to the wolf. 

“You need to get out of here. Just nod,” James whispered. 

Lily inclined her head and James gently removed his hand from her mouth. She turned to say something, but the wolf snapped its head up, noticing them for the first time. 

“The greenhouse,” James said urgently. He grabbed her hand and towed her backwards. The wolf continued to stride towards them. James swiftly opened the first door and ushered her into the small antechamber. Through the glass, Lily could see the beast stalking them across the moonlit snow. 

“Don’t move,” James told her. Lily wasn’t sure if she could move; normal muscle commands didn’t appear to be working. She felt events spinning out of control as they so often seemed to around James Potter; it was one of the reasons he irritated her so much. Once again, James grasped her about the middle and she saw a flash of silver before a thin, smooth cloth enveloped both of them. 

The wolf paused just after Lily felt the Invisibility Cloak, for she assumed that must be what it was, cover her feet. It came right to the glass, and sniffed at the crack of the door, but looked confused. Now, the greenhouse glass, which had always appeared substantial during Herbology lessons and quite capable of withstanding Whomping Willow saplings, seemed terribly fragile. She wasn’t sure what they’d do if the wolf did attempt to break through the glass, but she was suddenly happy that she wasn’t alone. James’s arm around her waist might not be much protection, but she did find it strangely comforting. 

The beast paced back and forth several times across the doorway before settling back on its haunches. Lifting its head, it let loose a bloodcurdling howl. Lily shivered in spite of herself. 

“I’ll kill him,” James muttered. 

Lily twisted around to look at James, who was glaring out at the snow-covered grounds. “What?” she asked in shock. “The wolf?” 

James glanced down at her. He seemed to have momentarily forgotten about her presence, which Lily could only attribute to the surrealism of the situation. “No, Sirius.” 

“What does Sirius …” Lily started to ask. 

“Shhh …” James laid a finger over her lips, quelling her query. 

Lily saw that the wolf had quit its howling and once again looked likely to resume its pacing. Just then a second dark form burst onto the scene. It ran full tilt at the wolf and bowled it over. At first, Lily thought that it must be another wolf, but then recognized the form as a large shaggy dog. A single mass of flailing paws and fur, the canine pair rolled together in the snow. As they tumbled away from the door, a cloud of pink powder enveloped them. 

“Oh no,” Lily moaned as she watched the animals thoroughly destroy her Herbology project. 

“What was that?!” James exclaimed. 

The dog and wolf were lying in the snow and panting heavily. Neither one seemed inclined to move. 

“Just my perfect grade in Herbology,” Lily said mournfully. 

“Lily,” James said carefully, as if to a small child. “Where did the pink powder come from?” 

“My Herbology project.” Lily twisted around again. “I spent the last three months cultivating an Aphroditus plant and then spent the last two hours harvesting the seeds and now it’s all gone. I’m doomed!” 

The wolf and dog stood up and started circling each other. Cautiously, they approached one other and took a long sniff. One sniff turned into several enthusiastic others until the dog started licking the wolf. James watched all this with mounting horror. 

“What do the seeds do?” James asked, trying to stay calm. 

“Oh … they’re the main ingredient in love potions and stuff. I guess you could say that they’re an extra-concentrated aphrodisiac,” Lily replied distractedly. She was trying to calculate the probability of getting an extension on her project. 

“Lily, what have you done?” James squeaked. 

“What have _I_ done? Those animals just destroyed months of work! Let go of me, you oaf!” Lily started slapping at James’s arm, which had tightened and was now pressing painfully into her diaphragm. 

James released her and spun her around in one movement. His fingers dug into her shoulders. “Do you have any idea what a disaster this is? Look at them!” 

Lily glanced over at the dog and wolf, who did seem rather extra-interested in each other. Her discarded basket was thoroughly flattened. “I can’t believe they managed to crush _all_ the seeds.” 

“That is irrelevant. They’re … they’re … mating!” James forced out through gritted teeth. 

“No they aren’t,” Lily clarified. “They’re just licking each other … for now.” 

James groaned. 

“It is kind of interesting that the seeds are affecting animals too … I wonder if I could work that into my final report,” Lily mused. 

“We have to stop them!” 

“Why?” Lily asked curiously. Truth be told, she was wondering how far the pair would take it. 

“Because …” James struggled to find the words. “They’re both male!” 

Lily’s eyes widened. “Oh! Wait, how can you tell?” James looked at her steadily until she blushed. “Well, that’s bit unusual, isn’t it?” She waved her hand vaguely. 

“Not. The. Point. How long will the seeds last?” James asked desperately. “I’m not really sure … you’re not supposed to inhale just the seed powder,” Lily pondered.  
“Several hours at least, I’m sure.” 

James moaned. “Where’s your wand? We’ll need to cast simultaneous sleep spells.” 

“You can’t possibly mean to go out there! Maybe the dog is alright, but that wolf is definitely not friendly.” Lily shook her head firmly. 

“Lily …” James pleaded. 

She sighed. “Alright, fine. If it means that much to you ... my wand is in my back jeans pocket. I’ll need to take off a few things to get it out.” 

“Why did you …” James shook his head. “Never mind.”

He watched impatiently as Lily undid all the buttons on her cloak. Looking outside, he saw that the dog and wolf were now licking each other in areas that James really didn’t want to think about. “Lily, there’s no time.” Without further adieu, he shoved his hands beneath her cloak.

Lily squawked in protest and started to ineffectually hit his chest. “James! Stop that!”

“Hold still,” James muttered and tried to grope his way beneath the tens of layers that Lily was apparently wearing.

“You’re trying to feel me up!” Lily struggled, but James had one arm clasped firmly around her back and was hiking up her bulky jumper with the other.

“I’m really not,” James protested. His right hand finally felt denim … among other things, which he really wished he had more time to pay attention to. “Merlin’s beard, you’re wearing a lot of clothing.”

“Eep!” Lily exclaimed as she felt his hand moving across certain lower parts of her anatomy. “Watch where you’re grabbing!”

“Sorry.” James really wasn’t sorry. “Got it!” he exclaimed triumphantly and carefully extracted her wand.

Lily snatched her wand and backed away rapidly. She wondered if she’d get detention if she struck him with a full Body-Bind curse and left him out all night to freeze.

James seemed to read her intentions in her eyes. “Hex me later. Sleep spell now. I’ll take the wolf.” He pointed imperiously at the door.

Lily narrowed her eyes. “Fine,” she huffed. “If it means so much to you.”

James rolled his eyes. “You have no idea.”

Together they opened the door to the greenhouse and stepped cautiously, ready to dart back in if the wolf decided to be threatening. They need not have worried; the dog and the wolf were acting as if the other were the only being left on the planet. James and Lily positioned themselves on opposite sides of the writhing pair. He nodded at Lily. They simultaneously leapt in and touched their wands to the wolf and dog. “ _Soporificus_!” The animals collapsed to the ground.

James sagged into the snow. He felt as though he’d just run up a mountain and back. Lily studied the wolf and dog curiously.

“James … isn’t this Sirius’s dog?” she asked hesitantly.

“Yes,” James confirmed dejectedly.

“Oh. So that’s why you were out here.” Lily cocked her head to one side and considered the wolf. “This wolf doesn’t look quite right.”

“It’s not a wolf, Lily.” James wondered if sticking his head in the snow would erase the images from his brain.

“It’s not?” Lily said in surprise. She looked closer. Suddenly she paled. “I can’t … James, this is a werewolf!”

James lifted his head. “Yes, I know.”

Lily felt her jaw drop open. “You know! Why didn’t you tell me?”

James struggled to his feet. “I thought you knew!” He half-shouted at her. “It’s not my fault you didn’t pay attention in Defense!”

“Of course I didn’t know! Otherwise … that’s why you wanted to stop them! This werewolf is a human for most of the month! And it, I mean he, with the dog … ew.” The full implications suddenly caught up with her. “James, we have to tell someone that there’s a werewolf in the school!”

James smacked his forehead. Just when he thought this evening had reached the absolute bottom … “No, we don’t.”

“But …” Lily began.

“The teachers already know,” James reluctantly continued, hoping against hope that Lily would just stop thinking about it.

“They do? But …”

James walked over to her. “The sleep spell should last until morning, but you should get out of here now.”

Lily frowned as she realized just how close she had been to getting bitten. She came to a decision. “Thank you,” Lily said softly. Before the rational part of her brain could catch up to the rest of her, she stepped close and kissed James lightly, but fully on the lips. “That was for saving me.”

James blinked rapidly. He felt as if he’d just been Stunned. 

Lily smiled and then snatched James’ wand and tossed it to the side. “ _Petrificus Totalus_!” she shouted and pointed her wand at James. He toppled backwards. “And that was for groping me. I do hope you’re comfortable. The spell should wear off in an hour or so. Goodnight.” She turned on her heel and stalked away.

James stared up at the moonlit sky and seriously tried to decide whether this evening had been the best or the worst night of his life. After what seemed like an eternity (though it was probably only fifteen minutes), James heard footsteps and Peter’s face appeared, blocking the moon. James desperately hoped that Peter would free him first before attending to Padfoot and Moony.

“ _Finite_.” 

James could move. He sat up. “Where in the bloody hell have you been?” he snarled, happy to at last have someone to vent his frustrations on.

Peter sat back on his heels. “How glad I am to see you, Peter. Thank you for rescuing me from freezing all night. Why yes, I’d be happy to tell you why Moony and Padfoot are snoring like logs. Please sit down and listen to my tale.” Peter glared.

James buried his face in his hands. “Believe me when I tell you that you don’t want to know.”

**A/N: Sorry this took so long; I had a different draft ready weeks ago, but I didn’t like it. I hope you all enjoyed the new, improved chapter. It ended up being a little more risqué than I had originally planned, particularly since I don’t really do slash. But then this isn’t really meant to be slash exactly (although I guess Remus/Sirius fans can interpret it any way they like). Also, I’m bit worried by Lily’s rapid mood change; I always hate it when fic writers do that and look at me, going ahead and doing that. In her defense, she did have some justification. I’m babbling; review and I promise to finish the last chapter before October!**


	4. Prongs

_Disclaimer: Continues to not be mine._

***  


 

            A white dress, Lily decided, was quite possibly the absolute worst outfit imaginable for climbing trees in. Of course, she hadn’t planned on climbing trees when she had gotten dressed that morning. The intended activities for the day included sleeping in late and then taking advantage of one of the few warm spring days to do some light reading outside. That was before an errant breeze snatched her shawl, hand-knitted by her grandmother, whisked it into the Forest, and left it tangled in a tree. A Summoning spell was likely to damage the lacy fabric, which left Lily with two choices: abandoning it or engaging her long unused tree-climbing skills.

 

            She inched carefully out along the branch, which was thankfully a sturdy one. Finally, she reached her shawl and began to carefully disentangle it from the twigs and leaves that held it fast. At last, she tugged it free and then paused as she became aware of two eyes peering up at her.

 

            Lily looked down and saw a magnificent stag looking directly at her. Her heart started beating wildly for no apparent reason. Although she’d never admit it, she’d always found deer fascinating with their silent grace. 

 

The stag was staring steadily at her. Lily blushed and felt a sudden desire to tug down the skirt of her dress, which had inevitably hiked up during her climb. She reached down to adjust her dress and then swore as the shawl fluttered out of her fingertips. Lily lunged wildly and tried to grab it, but only succeeded in losing her grip on the branch. She screamed as she plummeted towards imminent doom.

 

As Lily landed, her breath whooshed out and for several seconds she merely lay there attempting to get her lungs working again. Drawing in shuddering breaths, Lily began to realize that she was not in fact sprawled on the ground and aside from an abused diaphragm the rest of her body seemed to be intact.  In fact, she seemed to be draped over a soft cylinder-like object that was covered in fur?

 

“Eep!” Lily squeaked. Looking to the left, she met the stag’s eyes. “Er … thank you?”

 

The stag winked at her. Lily shifted, intending to slide down off its back when she spied her shawl tangled in its antlers. “Um … do you mind?”

 

Lily slid around so that she was straddling the animal. Reaching towards the antlers, she accidentally caressed one soft ear. The stag jumped nervously and took several steps backwards. Suddenly Lily heard the strains of “Modern Major General” erupt behind her. Her heart sinking, she looked back and saw that the stag had managed to plant its hoof directly into a Humming Hornet* nest whose occupants were now swarming out of the ground.

            

_*Note: Humming Hornets were reportedly created by the diva Francis Schneller in 1899. Intended originally as a way to bring music to gardens, they never caught on due to their tendency to sting unwary pedestrians. Humming Hornets can be recognized by their distinctive black and gray stripes (once green and gray before the death of Francis sent them into perpetual mourning) and their signature ability to hum tunes in four-part harmony. They are particularly partial to Muggle operettas and Broadway musicals. Legend has it that they will remain in pursuit until they have finished humming through an entire show._

 

            The stag jerked and then launched itself forward. Lily had just enough time to wrap her arms around its neck before the stag took off. The jaunty tune behind her signaled that the hornets were hot on their tail. Lily wasn’t crazy about the idea of riding a maddened stag through the Forbidden Forest, but thought that throwing herself off its back would likely result in injury, getting stung, or both. Besides, the stag still had her shawl.

 

            As Lily and the stag dashed through the forest with the hornets close behind, Lily began to feel like a heroine in an old-fashioned film, soundtrack and all. Although, she mused, Gilbert and Sullivan would really not be her first choice. Or her second. Or at all. Maybe something more like one of those American Westerns. Only British.

 

            The music began to fade. Lily risked a quick glance behind and saw that the hornets did appear to be falling back. “Hi-yo, Silver!” she shouted encouragingly.

 

            The stag twisted its head around as if to say, “What?” This proved to be a mistake, for at that moment, the stag missed seeing a fallen tree trunk and, tripping over it, catapulted both of them straight into a small, stagnant pond, that was, none the less, quite deep.

 

            Lily floundered in the murky water. After inhaling what felt like gallons of pond scum and kicking off both her shoes, she resurfaced. The stag was dog? deer? paddling next to her. Due to the unexpected dunking, the hornets had unfortunately caught up with them. Thinking quickly, Lily cast a Bubble-headed charm on both herself and the stag. Her wand, miraculously, had somehow survived the journey.

 

            Of course, after casting the charm, Lily realized that she had made a fundamental misjudgment. The hornets, while now prevented from stinging either her or the stag, were infuriated and chose to take out their anger by dive-bombing the magical fishbowl projections. Every time one of them hit the Bubble (in rhythm, naturally, with their tune), the impact reverberated through Lily’s head. It was rather akin to someone drumming on her skull; at least, if that drummer had a strange affinity for 19th century operettas. Between the patter song, which also echoed inside the Bubble, and the, well, patter of Kamikaze hornets, Lily found herself entirely unable to focus on a long-term solution to the insect problem.

 

            Her companion in this predicament looked just as unhappy as Lily felt. She wasn’t an expert at interpreting deer expressions, but at the moment it looked quite accusatory. 

            

            “Don’t look at me!” Lily shouted. “You’re the one that stepped in the nest _and_ tripped over the tree trunk.”

 

            The stag shook his head as if to imply that it would have done neither of those things without Lily and had, in fact, saved her from a horrible fall and many painful stings.

 

            “And it’s thanks to me that the hornets aren’t stinging you right now,” Lily continued. The stag stared at her balefully. Lily shook her head. “Fantastic. I’m trapped in a pond with crazy Humming Hornets attacking me, my ears are being blasted with one of the more annoying songs ever written, and I’m talking to a deer. And I’m pretty sure that the hornets are stuck on continuous repeat. I’ve officially lost it.”

 

            Raucous laughter interrupted Lily from her thoughts. Spinning around, she was able to make out Sirius Black at the edge of the pond. Lily and the stag glared at him in unison.

 

            “A little help would be nice, Black!” Lily shouted.

 

            “Are you sure you two wouldn’t like a little more … alone time?” Sirius called back.

 

            “Black!” Lily shrieked.

 

            The stag huffed at Sirius. Lily hadn’t known that stags could huff. Or understand English for that matter.

 

            Still grinning, Sirius negligently waved his wand and did … something. Whatever it was, it sent the hornets humming off elsewhere, leaving behind blessed silence. Lily made a mental note to learn that spell, sometime when she wasn’t soaked and covered in pond scum.

 

            Lily banished the Bubble Charms and swam over to the edge of the pond. She hauled herself out. A cursory inspection showed that her dress was thoroughly ruined. She was about to (grudgingly) thank Sirius for his help, when she noticed that his gaze was directed well below her face. Even more disturbingly, so was the stag’s. Blushing, she quickly dried off her dress. That settled it; she was never wearing white again.

 

A sudden suspicion crept up on her. “Black, if this was one of your pranks …” she warned.

 

            “Pranks?” Sirius widened his eyes innocently.

 

            “Oh don’t give me that puppy dog look. I _know_ you.”

 

            Sirius clasped his hand over his heart. “I promise. I had absolutely nothing to do with the hornets or the pond.”

 

            “Fine.” Lily decided that believing him was the easier tactic. “Don’t tell James about this.” Now what had made her say that?

 

            Sirius twisted his lips. “Oh, I certainly won’t _tell_ James about this.”

 

            If Lily had not fallen from a tree, been chased through the Forest by Humming Hornets, and gotten soaked in a pond all in the company of a stag, she might have cared enough to figure out what Sirius was hiding. But, she decided abruptly, all she really wanted just now was to take a long bath and try to finish out her Saturday with some remaining shred of dignity. Turning to the stag, which had miraculously been waiting patiently there all the while, she reached up to remove her shawl from its antlers. Protected as it was by the Bubble Charm, it was currently the cleanest and driest clothing Lily had.

 

            “Thank you, sir stag. Next time, try not to step on a hornet’s nest. Particularly not a Humming Hornet nest,” Lily said politely.

 

            The stag cocked its head as if to say, “Next time?” And then, stretching out a foreleg, it bowed.

 

            Lily inclined her head in turn and then spotted a gash on the stag’s leg which was slowly dripping blood. “You’re hurt!”

 

            The stag snatched its leg back, but Lily was already kneeling. “You must have cut it on the tree. With that pond water … we should get it looked at.”

 

            Sirius coughed. “Ah … Lily? You do realize that you’re talking to an animal, yes?” This observation caused the stag to toss its head arrogantly.

 

            “Shut up, Black,” Lily replied absently. Ignoring the stag’s attempts to escape (though really, he didn’t seem to be trying all that hard), she summoned water with her wand and energetically began cleaning the wound. “There. Now I just need a bandage.”

 

            Sirius wordlessly produced a handkerchief, which, amazingly enough, was clean. Lily folded it in fourths and pressed it gently against the wound. Using one of her hair ribbons, she tied in place efficiently. “I hope nothing else is wrong with him. I wonder if Hagrid would consent to look at him.”

 

            The stag rolled its eyes nervously. Sirius, however, snorted. “Other than being ridden hard and put away wet?” Sirius smirked. The stag, at that moment, chose to sidle sideways and managed to place one hoof down on Sirius’s foot. Sirius swore and danced out of the way.

 

            Lily hugged the stag impulsively. “Goodbye. I don’t suppose I’ll see you again.” 

 

The stag nuzzled Lily’s neck and then stared at her devotedly. Sirius rolled his eyes.

 

Lily narrowed her eyes thoughtfully and then grinned unexpectedly. “I should get back. Students aren’t really supposed to be in the Forbidden Forest, you know. Coming?” She was looking at Sirius, but glanced quickly at the stag.

 

            “Ah, I have one or two more things to do out here,” Sirius equivocated. He looked unnerved by Lily’s sudden cheerfulness.

 

            “Don’t step on any strange plants. You never know what they might make you do,” Lily replied. She wandered off, humming “Modern Major General” quietly to herself.

 

            James gazed in the direction that Lily had walked off in.

 

            “Green is a darling color on you,” Sirius said.

 

            James stopped stroking the beribboned bandage abruptly. “Shut up, Sirius. How did you get rid of those hornets?”

 

            “In the Black House, you learn all sorts of ways to deal with noxious pests,” Sirius said darkly. “Come on, I’ll race you back.” 

 

            And the dog and the stag charged off.

 

 

**Epilogue**

 

            Three days later, Lily discovered a rat dragging a package wrapped in brand-new ribbons that happened to perfectly match her eyes onto her bed. Opening it, she found the complete score to _The Pirates of Penzance_. Lily smiled and said nothing. She did, however, put the rat back in the corridor before getting dressed.

 

 

 

**A/N: Well, that’s it. I’ll be honest and say that this isn’t my favorite chapter, but I hope you enjoyed it. Sorry for the delay – vacation and real life interfered with writing as well as some extended writing blocks (there are three entirely different drafts of this chapter). Somehow each of the chapters ended up being a thematic progression around the bases so to speak, which I didn’t really plan but is kind of neat. Or dirty. Take your pick.**

            


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